When nobody likes you

Why would a person be compelled to tell me that nobody likes me? I’m genuinely curious. Throughout my life I have heard variations on the theme…

In graduate school, a peer sought me out after class and informed me that everyone in the class disliked me. He expressed his heartfelt desire to help me overcome the traits that he felt were at the root of the issue, including my directness, tendency to monologue and lack of tact. I didn’t insult or personally attack anyone in class, I was simply outspoken about topics we discussed and did not hesitate to deconstruct the unexamined assumptions of my peers, especially when they were offensive and risked causing harm. Confused, I genuinely asked, “why is it important that people like me?” and explained matter of factly that if popularity came at the cost of not speaking up about injustice, I wasn’t interested. I still struggle to process his shock. Why is this such a shocking statement? Shouldn’t we all care more about a justice that will outlive us than we do the temporary accolades of popularity? Strange.

In my first year of college, I had a love affair with music. Admittedly, I was not a good singer, and I was aware of this. I simply loved to sing. I also became passionate about learning new instruments, like the harmonica. I was not a good harmonica player, but the sound made me feel a euphoric sense of joy and delight, as most special interests do for Autistic people. That was enough for me. I didn’t understand the unspoken social norm that only talented musicians play music openly. And so, in typical Leticia style, I relished any opportunity to break out my preschool level harmonica skills and my tone-deaf voice. I played harmonica at cafes with significantly more talented musicians. I joined jam sessions and campfires and belted out songs I knew and enjoyed. All the while, I was confused by the strange looks, snickering, eye rolls and other clear indications of disapproval that followed. People liked me less after these forays into Autistic joy. They were not afraid to tell me and show me. Why would a person dislike another person because they are confident, passionate and joyful? Strange.

Once when I was providing direct feedback to a colleague at the behest of our boss, he suddenly became defensive and accused me of attacking him. He proceeded to disclose to me that other staff felt the same way and resented me for it. I listened, confused, and as usual caught off guard. Then employed logic and reason to backtrack from that place to the specific moments and triggers in the conversation where communication had broken down. Eventually, we came to a shaky mutual understanding. I reflected and assumed responsibility for my part, I gave him space to do the same, but afterward I was left wondering, why was it important to include that not only he, but also many others, resented me? Why is it so important for Allistic people to ensure that I am aware of others’ dislike? What is the function of this? I am genuinely curious and profoundly confused.

This is what I have come to know as a “scrambled eggs moment.” I’ve come to realize that my brain is not wired or built with the function to understand certain kinds of Allistic human behavior. I’ve studied interpersonal neurobiology, psychology, attachment theory, critical social theory and various other disciplines for several years to better understand cognitive dissonance.  If given time and space to think critically and analyze, I can define what cognitive dissonance is and explain the function from an academic perspective. Yet, when I am confronted with it in real life, I am bewildered. How can it be that someone can say one thing and do another? How can someone say they care about the environment and work for the government agency building nuclear bombs? How can a parent present themselves as a child advocate and neglect their own child at home? How can a professional call themselves an expert on Autism and not understand my communication style as an Autistic professional?  In these moments, in the absence of academic training, my default mode kicks in. As a literal thinker my brain is not wired for lying, deceit or denial. My neurology is not primed to understand norms deeply enough to have successfully been socialized to prioritize social status. When I am confronted with cognitive dissonance, which requires lying, deceit and denial with an end goal to maintain a favorable public facing image to secure social status, my brain feels like scrambled eggs. I just simply do not have the capacity to understand nor empathize because my brain physically can’t. Trust me, it has not been for lack of trying. Over ten years of extensive therapy trying to understand Allistic behaviors like cognitive dissonance have not helped me move forward an inch. Don’t get me wrong. I am human and I have caught myself in moments of cognitive dissonance, but there are degrees y’all. It seems to me like a large percentage of the Allistic world is walking around dissociated, like zombies, in a dissonant world of their own making.

So, what is the function of “nobody likes you?” I don’t know. It is a scrambled eggs moment.

I have an inkling that it is a deflection. If I am saying something that cuts to the core of someone’s cognitive dissonance, they might try shifting the focus away from their own discomfort and insecurity by emphasizing collective consensus that I am in the one in the wrong. This is a way to distract from the issue while garnering support for their defense. Other terms that comes to mind: gaslighting and DARVO. The deflection ultimately allows the person to shift focus away from the issue and therefore absolves them from self-reflection and accountability. I also wonder if it is a way to discipline me, to take me down a notch, and ensure that I am following unspoken social norms like:

• Only talented musicians play in public or
• It’s better to be indirect even if it means risking that the core message gets lost because we don’t want others (especially those in privileged positions) to be uncomfortable or
• Women should care more about what people think of them.

The exotic world of Allistic behavior is very strange.

**

I’ve written thus far to try and understand how others see me. Yet, I’d like to conclude by turning the gaze and describing how I see Allistic people in the moments when “nobody likes you” is unleashed. From my perspective, these defensive psychological moves, whatever their reasons may be, come off as egotistical and irrational. They lack critical thinking and imagination.

When I’m speaking from a place of advocating for justice over the comfort of my fellow classmates, my goal is to be a part of larger shifts in consciousness that will outlive me and benefit others. In this moment, my imagination extends into the unknown future and is bigger than my individual concerns and desires. In contrast, a peer who feels the need to disclose that no one in my class likes me, is stuck in the quagmire of present social hierarchies and norms. He cannot imagine a life through, beyond and outside of them. Whether he is conscious of it or not, social hierarchies and norms are his priority. Imagining a future beyond them, where the world is a more fair and just place, is mine.

When I am lost in the irreverent joy of playing a harmonica (albeit badly) and others sneer, snicker and otherwise make fun of me, they are revealing how much they value social status. I am lost in an ecstatic flow state of intense joy, while they are fixating on the outer appearance, what is must look like. I wonder if they are left feeling like I need to be taken down a notch because, really, who do I think I am to exude confidence when I am clearly not that talented? Their priority is social status and maintaining unspoken social hierarchies. My priority is wanting to experience joy with others. Their reactions seem a bit shallow to me. I couldn’t imagine walking through life with such a two-dimensional worldview. I feel sorry for them that they can only dream of the kinds of euphoric flow states that are commonplace for me.

When my colleague reacts defensively to feedback and emphasizes that he and many others resent me for it, he is acting from a place of emotional reactivity and is not able to think critically in self-reflection. My priority in offering direct feedback is a desire to invest in his continued growth and to work together to provide a higher quality of care to clients by sharing information. His priority is to maintain a sense of emotional comfort and the illusion of competence. This feels illogical, irrational and baseless. I don’t mean to invalidate his feelings, but feelings don’t and shouldn’t outweigh information that can help us grow, prevent harm and better serve others.

From my perspective, the Allistic world, especially in the “nobody likes you” moments can feel so shallow. I want to live in a world that is not enslaved to the emotional comfort of the privileged. I want to live in a world where truth, regardless of how it is communicated, is more important than social norms. I want to live in a world where we look at each other with eyes of love, where we are committed to speaking truth fiercely and where we can imagine more fair and just futures. The fear of being disliked pales in comparison to these dreams. This is one of the many reasons that Autistic people with similar values pose such a contradiction to existing systems and the norms and hierarchies that support them. The power I carry into interactions as someone who doesn’t value the norms and hierarchies that many unknowingly hold sacred (and that includes my supposed radical allies), is strong. Perhaps the predictable, “nobody likes you” tactic represents a feeble attempt to discipline and control this power on an unconscious level. Without diminishing how harmful and traumatizing it has been to come up against its resistance over the years, social marginalization and exclusion has not managed to eradicated the contradiction I embody.

It’s okay if you don’t like me, I have my own dignity and it is not dependent on your opinion of me.